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Friday, March 5, 2010

Dental Drunkenness and Other Musings

So, I've had a very, very, very shitty week. Most of it is deep, convoluted stuff regarding Julian's diagnosis and developmental issues so I am not getting into all that bizz-nass, but on top of that and everything facing us from that angle, the destiny fairy decided to add a bunch of other crap to my life just to make sure I was good and miserable and adequately flipping out. Julian is very sick with what started as a bad cold about 2 months ago and he can't get better. That story could get long too, but suffice it to say he's still sick, he looks, sounds, and feels horrible, and I feel so sorry for him I could cry. Well, I have cried for him, of course. Poor little guy. Also, I have a GINORMOUS jewelry show for which I'm frantically prepping and I'm peeing in my pants about that too. Then, the huge, awful, cavernous hole in my tooth finally got bad enough that I had to go to the dentist on an emergency appointment this morning. I mean, of course I waited until it hurt like a bizz-natch to do anything about it. Why would I just go ahead and go back in November when A GIANT PIECE OF MY TOOTH AND FILLING FELL OUT ALL HILLBILLY-STYLE IN MY MOM'S WORKSHOP?! (*cue the banjo playing*) I just tossed it over my shoulder and was like "oh well, I guess since it's in the back and no one can see it, I'll worry about that later." Big. Mistake. But I will say this: the dentist this morning was amazing, wonderful, kind, gentle, brilliant, and perfect. And I'm not just saying that b/c she got me FUUUUUUUUU-ed UP!

Yes, b/c I had a very bad previous dental experience she decided to give me the laughing gas while she did her work and determined whether or not I would need 1 (or more!) root canals (I didn't!) and let me tell you, I was very skeptical. I've had the LG before and I'm usually like "bitch, is that all you've got?!" I mean, maybe they don't understand how many recreational drugs I've done, after all I have somewhat of a tolerance to consider. Just kidding. Sort of.

So, anyhow, they kept asking if I was feeling "floaty" yet and I learned quickly to answer that very nonchalantly and all non-affected: a shoulder shrug, an aloof "not really," etc. Thus, they kept turning it up and up and up. Oh man, maybe it's just that I haven't had any illicit substance (including alcohol) in years, but I was flying high. I was like "somebody get this mask off, I need to tell some jokes up in heeeeeee-uh!" I managed to keep my silly mouth shut, but the mental dialogue was still going, going, going and I would like to give my faithful readers a little stream of consciousness taste of some of what was going thru my brain (and please keep in mind that I am paranoid, very medical procedure-phobic, prone to anxiety/panic attacks, and a freak in general):

oh man this is awesome i feel great but i don't feel like i'm drunk i feel high yes i feel high oh my god wait i hate being high wait no i'm ok i have a sticker on my hand it's a chocolate cake sticker that charlotte gave me i want to pull it off no don't pull it off they'll think you're crazy i want to pull that sticker off but it might hurt it was funny in the 40 year old virgin when he got his chest waxed but the sticker wouldn't hurt like that it's less than an inch in diameter or is it circumference i suck at math and measurements and i want to tell this nurse that i do not feel drunk i feel high instead am i going to be able to drive home she said i could drive home but she has to give me oxygen first oh my god why do i need oxygen is everything ok why the dentist just leave oh my god oh wait she had to go check on some lady's dentures i hope i never have to wear dentures that's it i'm taking better care of my teeth starting right now i don't want dentures now i can't stop seeing wind-up chattering teeth and glasses of water by my bed with teeth in them oh god i'm getting a little panicky-kathy stop! stop panicking, you have 2 kids, you have 2 kids, be strong, be like joan-of-arc, wait who was joan-of-arc, was she strong ok get it together get it together ok she's injecting me but it doesn't hurt i need to google joan of arc when I get home.

So, that's just a taste, but seriously, it was intense. And, since I just felt really "messed up" in general, it was so incongruent to have this wonderful dentist constantly patting my shoulder saying sweet, motivational things like "you're doing great, you're doing such a good job, you're such a great patient," etc., etc. I was like "damn, why wasn't someone always standing by me talking like that when I was just messed up by my own volition. That would have been awesome. Instead I usually heard stuff like "ma'am, it's closing time," or "ma'am you can't sleep here," or "We'll take the handcuffs off when you can prove you're no longer a danger to us or yourself!" Ok, kidding, but really, note to potential future-rich, off the wagon self: hire a motivational life coach for when I'm inebriated.)

So, a pretty decent dentist appointment this morning after all. I mean, where else can you go to get high, get your teeth fixed, and replace the traditional hangover, replete with regret and self-loathing, with better dental health and some shiny new fillings?