Husbands Say the Darndest Things

So, Justin e-mailed me after reading my blog post the other day and in the e-mail he said something like "thanks for throwing me under the bus yet again in your blog." I replied "as long as I'm blogging you will likely be taking a permanent seat under the bus." I don't know why, but it's so easy to bitch about him in my blog, it's like my diary for spousal complaints for some reason. I think it's because our dynamic is just humorous. I mean, we don't really fight, we just bicker and argue and often end up laughing. And I guess b/c we feel so secure with each other and b/c we really do love each other (puke, puke) that it seems really harmless and comical to publish our banter for all to read and enjoy. And who knows, perhaps some other crazy, dysfunctional, irreverent couple somewhere can even relate.

Once, in the grocery store we were basically about to come to blows in the freezer section about some damn chicken: I was like "yes we did get that kind last time and we liked it. Why do you have to be such a freaking JERK?!?! God I hate you!" and he was all "Just shut up. I hate you too!" And then (this part sounds made-up b/c I didn't think people like this actually existed) a young couple approached and their conversation was "honey, should we get this skillet meal?" "Oh sure sweetie, that looks good, we could eat that one on Thursday..." We just looked at each other and I said "you guys aren't married are you?" The girl smiled sweetly and flashed her ring finger, which was adorned with a diamond solitaire, and said "No, engaged." I said "well you just wait! Your shopping conversations will change!" Anyway, there have been many times where we have been about to throw down while grocery shopping. One day I think some poor store clerk may get a little more than he/she bargains for when responding to a call for "cleanup on aisle 4."

The grocery store nightmares, however, pale upon comparison to my husband's comments or suggestions that are just, well, I don't really know how to put it. Like the time I said, "ooooh, look, my legs really look skinny right now," and he replied "oh, it's probably just the lighting." Thanks honey. And the other night he offers this one up: "Kathy, do you want me to watch the kids for awhile so you can go do the treadmill?" Yes, he seriously did say this. Let me clarify by saying there has been no "doing" of ye olde treadmill for quite some time now (and I've got the thighs to prove it.) This made his "suggestion" far, far worse. Really, does he *not* understand that this recommendation, or as he called it an "offer," is basically like me saying "Hey honey, want me to hold down the fort for awhile so you can go use your penis pump?" I mean, it's just as insulting. When I told him this, he replied all doe-eyed that he was "just trying to be helpful." And the thing is, he really, honestly, seriously, and genuinely probably was. He just doesn't understand that brutal honesty isn't my fave mode of communicado. I prefer the "oh-my-gorgeous-bride-you-are-perfect-the-way-you-are-and-there-is-nothing-you-could-do-to-improve-yourself-ever" blatant lying type of communication, thank-you-very-much! And, just for full disclosure, since I just know he's going to annoyingly bring this up after reading this, I did tell him that the night before I went down to (dust off and) use the treadmill but I got scared b/c I saw police cars outside and had just read about something creepy online and I thought someone was going to break in and kill me while I was exercising. While it was true, it's also the wildest excuse I've ever come up with to dodge a workout...

I live in a house with a precious 4 year old and a precocious & hysterical soon-to-be 2 year old, but I still think I need to keep a baby book for Justin to detail all of the great (and by great, I usually mean awful) stuff he says...