Thursday, October 1, 2009

Meth : Mouth :: Midwest : Midriff

So, when I moved to the midwest I saw these horrific "Faces of Meth" billboards that show the befores and afters of meth users, and let me tell you, it ain't pretty. I don't know if they are effective for thwarting meth use but I will say that they are successful in making me want to puke when I see them. Take a look for yourself: (and try to ignore that one of those dude's faces seemed to clear up in his after...they should've photoshopped some open sores on his face or something, lest a bunch of acne-riddled teens will be on OxyMeth.)
Anyway, a large focus of the "transformation" of these folks is the characteristic "meth mouth," hence the analogy in my blog title. Meth really is to the mouth what the midwest has been to my midriff. You know how the camera adds 10 pounds? Well, Minnesota adds a lot more than that.** I even had a doctor tell me, after I told her I gained weight since I moved here, that "that's just what the midwest does to people." What?!?! How come no one told me that before I moved here? How come my new driver's license didn't come with a warning sticker: "CAUTION: permanently changing your address from VA to MN may cause increased appetite & weight gain." How come no one told me that in order to stay warm in the brutal winters I would hunker down with doughnuts and candy and only leave the comfort of my warm home for mandatory evacuations, which don't happen? So, speaking of driver's licenses, this is exactly what spurred this blog post: I keep a copy of my VA license in my wallet (is that legal?) just to reminisce. I tell everyone it's b/c I'm homesick (partially true) but I'm not gonna lie, it's more b/c I look damn good in that picture. But, the juxtaposition of the VA & MN DLs is making me crazy. A few people have seen it when I pull out my MN one, and sure they say all the "nice" things "you're just not as tan in the MN one," and "you're not smiling in the MN one," to which I say, I'm not tan b/c I haven't left the house in 4 months, and I'm not smiling b/c I had frostbite. And besides, who knew being pale and melancholy made you look fat? But, the uncomfortable, somewhat sad pity-look on their faces says it all "damn girl, you got fat!" And while I'm exaggerating and overdramatizing a little bit (I have to leave the house everyday, dammit and I *did* birth two babies in a pretty short span of time) it still sucks.

And so, looking back, I should have noticed the signs of the east coast vs. the midwest weight situation (even cigarettes at home are called Virginia SLIMS) but I let my love for my husband blind me and I moved here and got all fat and happy. Damn the love, damn the donuts, damn the blizzards (the snowy kind and the Dairy Queen ones, which share equal amounts of culpability for this situation) and damn the Midwest Midriff.

**Please note, if you live in MN and are reading this and are mad at me, I'm not calling you fat. You natives have evolved to be able to handle the midwest without adding extra layers of padding for warmth and protection. I am specifically referring to a group of us who have moved here from a warmer climate and have experienced Midwest Midriff, a medical condition which causes one to be cold when Minnesota natives are wearing shorts, and hibernate when the temperature reaches Too Cold Degrees Farenheit.**


  1. Aww girl, I am sure you look beautiful...always did. :-) I have seen the meth thing...Wow I mean It is crazy how different!! This blog was fun to read and u r too cute!! I miss the coast too...these VA mountains are perdy but I packed on weight out here too...let's not dwell. The important thing is we are good Moms, and fun, "fat" happy people :-) Take care sweetie I enjoyed the blog!! ~Catherine

  2. Woo Hoo! Great post. And great name for the blog. Congrats on taking the plunge into the blogosphere!

  3. Oh seriously... I went from skinny in CA, to fat in TX.... stupidly delicious chicken fried steak and biscuits with sausage gravy... grrr...

    And EW, meth billboards everywhere? I'm happy to say I've never seen any of those!

  4. It's the corn. I'm reading a book about this very thing.

  5. Why haven't you been blogging for ages? Glad you've started - at least your fingers will lose weight with all the typing :=D