Friday, February 19, 2010

Whair is our Hair?

I'm thinking of writing a Dr. Suess-esque book about the phenomenon going on in our house right now regarding hair loss, hair knots/tangles, and general hair issues and catastrophes. Here's an excerpt:

Our hair is here, our hair is there,
Our hair, our hair it's everywhere.
It's in our sinks and in our beds,
It's everywhere but on our heads.

One person has black hair, one has blond,
one's is short, another's long
One is shedding like a freaking cat at the vet
One needs to wear a mother effing hair net

Ok, so maybe not really Dr. Suess-esque, but you get the point. I don't understand what the heck is going on. We have hair issues and I don't mean to be getting all Kathy Brockovich and whatnot, but I'm beginning to wonder if I should start an undercover investigation around NW Rochester and the Country Club Manor/Manorwoods areas to see if there's a secret nuclear power plant around or something. So, neighbors, if you see me taking soil samples in the middle of the night it's for my, um, garden. Yeah, that's it, my garden.

Let me start the explanation by saying that these hair issues couldn't happen to anyone more sensitive about hair than yours truly. I abhor hairs in the shower, hair on the floor, and I am pretty sure I'd rather find a bug in my restaurant food than a hair. Anywho, here's the scoop: Charlotte is a compulsive hair twister and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for advice, but please don't give me any b/c it will just make me cry to tell you that I know it won't work. Detangler laughs at us, attempts at pigtails, ponies, or braids result in me in the fetal position in the corner sucking my thumb whilst Charlotte breathes fire at me, and I am regularly having to cut out giant rats and introductory dreadlocks out of her gorgeous hair. It's terrible. I was a twister and so was my mom, but I never remember it being *this* horrendous. Needless to say, we have little rats and balls of hair everywhere.

Next, my hair is falling out like crazy. My diet is healthy, I drink tons of water, etc. etc., but ever since I had Charlotte I have this crazy-thick hair that is constantly feeling the need to replenish itself. It's wild and out of control too. I'm thinking I shouldn't let it be so long, but I like it long and I'm stubborn about that. Probably PTSD from my super-butch lesbian haircut I had when I was little that very unfortunately coincided with my brother's amateur photographer phase, thus permanently documenting my mannish haircut and providing a visual reminder of my boyish look forever. Anyway, I am very neat and clean about my hair, placing each fallen strand into a neat little pile and properly disposing of it. Justin is a total different story...

First of all, he is into this whole outdoors thing right now that both interests and terrifies me: I'm starting to wonder if he has a little cabin somewhere filled with rations, papers scribbled with frantic equations and maps to nowhere, explosives, and wife-killing plans. But, back to the hair: he has a freaking horse's mane on his head right now and I am not kidding you the other night I went to run my hand through it and if I had been doing a blinded touch-test I would've bet the farm that I was touching a horse's mane or tail. And he is shedding like CRAZY. We did our regular family camping night in the basement last Friday night and when I was carrying our stuff up the next morning I went to pick up his pillow I immediately dropped it, jumped a foot and screamed b/c I thought a freaking beaver had climbed in the window and died on it. I mean, seriously, it was a Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia Pillow. It was covered in hair, like really covered. Like he had bought a faux-fur pillowcase and didn't tell me. It was so awful, I am still traumatized from it. And the thing about all of these hairy experiences is that we all have drastically different hair colors and lengths so it's all easily identifiable, I can always blame someone, usually Justin.

So, I'm thinking of a way to turn this positive and capitalize on it. A great idea came to mind when I was vacuuming the other day (thank goodness we have the purple Dyson) and I decided I will propose to have that British dude create the Dyson Voss. It will be the most powerful one yet and we can be on the commercial and everything. We can say "the only thing that sucks more than the Dyson Voss is having hair everywhere." I am full of ideas for the DV! And, if you call in the next 15 minutes we'll also throw in the Yeti HandVac, for the bigfoot-like husband who leaves big, hairy footprints through the house...or just sheds a lot in the shower.

1 comment:

  1. My advice is to keep her hair coated with mayonnaise at all times. Problem solved!